Dreams Every Mother Has Them - To the Mothers - whose painful hearts, I hear.

Dreams Every Mother Has Them

Mothers Seeking Justice For Mothers

American Mothers Political Party

My dearest moms,

My heart hurts for you all. I am a mom I know the pain. I know there are no answers and I encourage you to to seek every avenue every idea, any group for knowledge, ideas and for peace.

I am going to make this one statement then be through with it, not us the moms of course, but the juvenile petty-ness of it.

I am over the post that Lundy did, I admit, like most all of you -- in fact I can say all the moms who live every day in agony, torment and walk the battlefields of the dead trying to help just one other bc the pain we have endured is beyond comprehension, that simple we have to try to help just one -- just one not endure what we have.

That has been my whole mantra all these years. Because of the brutality of my own situation, the continued brutality and the fact that I have lost everything -- my daughter, my sometimes hope, my fear that my daughters -- daughters will endure what I have - what we have.

That is why I so honestly put forth my case -- the good the bad, the ugly, the hope,the humility in the hopes to help another. All the media I did -- I did for my daughter -- but as example as well for others to show a way to shine in the deepest and darkest of pits.

Years ago -- after the 2005 PBS Documentary Breaking the Silence -- I found my mission. I did not need to see my daughter, hold my daughter I needed to change the world. I love her that much. (even more)

I shared my loss my pain my ideas, my fight or flight, my tears and in turn the mothers like I became my family. My mother died 4 years ago -- I wished that I too had, as then it became even more brutal. and with that I shared it all.

I do not want fame I do not want glory -- I want what every other mother wants -- to not be forgotten, for when I am gone that my voice to shall be carried, All mothers even those who lash out at me are mothers who voices I carry. to me they are as much as we and the dead casualties of the war. I would gladly have my child and be quiet.  Who doesn't right?

In 2005 I formed a support group that is still going strong with over 400 mothers, a direct result of the breaking the silence documentary. I have not been able to add more as in the past 4 years as I said my health has deteriorated. I had to find another way for the mothers to carry forward with the utmost of open minds, with safety common sense.. all I did I had hoped and I  know has been example. The good and the bad.

So awareness, inundation became my goal. Get the info out to every one not just the advocate the moms but to the public to legislatures to EVERYONE!!

Rule of thumb -- Never leave any mother behind. When she falls (either through death or pain and finally does lose it -- she is a casualty of the war) This is what Mo was trying to say I believe to Barry about a mother who took her hurt out on him. Do not further diminish her, pick her up and keep walking -- This is why I always use the marine motto, Semper Fi - leave no mom behind. As I would hope to be carried as well.

I have broad shoulders so for many years I did this for other moms-- I carried the repercussions for them as if I was them because I am. The MAIN difference -- I have nothing left to lose. Nothing. So I can do, and be the person any one wants, to use for protection or as barrier.

Look, I know Lundy has done very awesome writings that have helped so many -- and again the rule of thumb is if it helps USE IT!! One is not dependent upon the other. Like my dear mom would say -- Take what you need, leave the rest. Never judge another mom her pain, her actions, and never actively set out to hurt her.

As Phyllis Chesler has written. Woman's inhumanity to women. Read her books. Read all you can!! Take what you need leave the rest.

And whew The liz library would really hurt feelings, but Change is what our goal is.

When the issues started  4 years ago JL, PMA, -- I, we, many tried to break through on behalf of the mothers who came to us with disturbing information. Perhaps it was nativity.

I know that Susan Murphy Milano and I tried so hard via radio to assist Janice in refocusing on the main mission. We did blogs we did radio ( and this was all  during the time that we were at war per JL).

I never, brought her name forward even with all the other moms who were hurt by her as we were able to intervene with these moms safely.

But, when so many mothers got caught up in the Bill Windsor scam I to on behalf of those mothers who could not -- publicly got our story out - to balance the others - fathers, abusers.

My current active agenda is to assist others and many others who have been saved by the joeyisalittlekid blog mothers who went along with hating mothers whilst in the cult. Important thing is they are out. Now we have even more actively being targeted by actions -- not words that are of the utmost dangerous.

You see, I can no longer be hurt any more. Not really - although my heart breaks daily. Mothers still litigating have everything to lose. My mother also said to me. Do whatever you have to do to see her, because when that is gone - its gone. The final, that is then -- the end.

Such pain in seeing her supervised for so many years (all those years ago) -- such wrong messages sent to her -- but she was so young. To each mother: Only she knows her children her case best -- every decision she makes is the right one for her and her children at that time. It makes me- or others use of my name to confront these horrible situations -- for those moms who want and need to fight back but MUST be safe.

In January, things started getting really bad thanks to psycho fatt ass windsor. I and so many others were busting butt trying to do damage control on all the mothers he published.

Finally, I had to take a stand for the protection of mothers and warn them that this was definitely NOT the road to continue to pursue, (although we had to give it a try!) Assisting by quietly do nothing if you are still in the youtubes those who were already marked - desperately trying to secure their safety and psych and protect as best as we could after the devastation.

We all know that.

I never absolutely never publicly warned about Janice until she actively started to work with Bill in doing just that. Hunting moms down,  personal info published homes, children, work, addresses, family, seeking the abusive ex for more ammo -- abusive court whores.

I could not even begin to imagine the complete shut down immobilizing fear of that -- along with the custody litigation with my child. So yes, I took as front point as I could 1st with my public statement in january.

William M Windsor - American Terrorist. Endangering Domestic Violence Victims and Survivors

In the hopes that he would stop publishing DV survivors and abused children.

What happened was some time thereafter Janice began to assist him in doing what we all knew Bill was doing. hurting mothers. Over and over again we tried to guide her intentions. But like the media Susan Murphy Milano I did a few years ago -- it was just not seen.

I had no choice when the two of them really began to hurt moms. When Mothers safety were compromised, I HAD to let it be known because lives were at risk and they still are. This is PRIORITY. Saving lives to save our children. Example - could you imagine the Stalking of Windsor on me with the assistance of janice if I were in custody litigation?? That is the situation with most all mothers.

To all the hurt, confused mothers who think sides must be taken -- they do not. There is no side except safety, and one goal. I have nothing more to say about PMA and JL other than to USE CAUTION!! Until or unless a time should come when I can safely say otherwise.

Please moms, with your beaten hearts, know that you never have to choose - I am always always with you... all. Those who lash out at me, those who feel they must separate -- they know I am here. I do not judge. I pray that mothers will gain a foothold up -- and by god do whatever you can to get there. Just (and I know the really beaten moms know this) never damn another mother, most certainly do not try to further hurt her. And should the day that PMA and or Janice become a safe harbor I will support that. Always my goal is the moms. I guess I am simple minded like that.

So I hope that this eases your weary hearts. No more drama - but live by a code. Which you all do. And even those who name - names, and talk smack on moms, protect yourself by all means but eventually they too will learn. Just like Lawless America followers -- so many who did not jump off that cliff.

I hope this eases your minds. Several have reached out - I feel your pain. Its ok. You are ok. And nothing has been damaged, only stronger.

Hope this made sense- hope this sets everyone back up moving in what they do best and those who wish to stay in that dark place can do so without my assistance, as we still have to change the world. we still must carry all those who have fallen will fall -- we have to make a difference.

So with that, let JL and others do or say what they may perhaps by our example she to will get it and really jump in and start changing the world for so many. I know many mothers who would assist her at any time.

So Janice, although I do not forgive you for the pain you have caused others, and the affidavit you gave windsor on my local court. I do have hope that perhaps you too will see that we can benefit with you in our movement -- the mothers. We do not have to like each other or anyone for that matter -- but appreciate what they have contributed. e.g. Such as Lundys earlier books. they are the bomb. ( I won't delve past that) :-)

Janice you really are in a position to help, I just wish that the structure of your groups were not so rigid. Dangerous to moms, I wish that some one could explain to you in a way you would accept as to why it is dangerous. I ask you to ask yourself, How can I make it better. For the Brass Ring - the ultimate goal. maybe? -- or not maybe some day.

Know that pain by others may/will be voiced, do not take it personal - it hurts. But the pain of the mother who like me is a pain that all other pains can be overcome for the cause.

On the AMPP Facebook Page, I want to thank the admins for continuing to put out such great resources, thank you for so that perhaps -- that maybe just one - one other, can endure less.

I am on the road to recovery - again. But Bills little whatever and all the rest are not significant to the grand picture -- unless like I -- you are still trying to help others from his relentless torture.

Call for safety and our ability to survive, mostly intact his damage to the cause, we as mothers are united in.

I love you all

Claudine

www.AmericanMothersPoliticalParty.org

Announcement for all Protective Mothers

Announcement for all Protective Mothers

Due to recent revelations by Janice Levinson and Lundy Bancroft of Protective Mother's Alliance, as a contributor to this blog, I hereby denounce JL, LB and PMA. I do not support either of them, the organization with which they are affiliated, and in fact do believe by Levinson's recent actions that both are needlessly and shamelessly throwing TRUE victims of horrendous abuse under the proverbial bus. If you decide to align with either Levinson or Bancroft, please do so with caution.

http://thetruthaboutthefamilycourt.blogspot.com/2013/07/announcement-for-all-protective-mothers.html

http://claudinedombrowski.blogspot.com/2013/07/reply-to-lundy-bancroft-change-is-here.html

http://glennscult.blogspot.com/2013/07/due-to-recent-revelations-by-janice.html

http://bx.businessweek.com/open-government/janice-levinson-using-the-blood-of-battered-mothers-and-children-for-her-personal-gain/7420065467279087640-54223d6685f4e599a8d5d17d4bb694b9/

Is World War Needed to Protect Our Children? Battered Mothers, Abused Children, A National Crisis

The Phyllis Chesler Organization

Is World War Needed to Protect Our Children?

Every time a news story breaks about a woman imprisoned as a sex slave (for example the Cleveland Three) people are, appropriately, shocked and horrified.
What is even more shocking is the fact that such crimes are committed every single day in every country on earth. Children and adult women are routinely sold, tricked or kidnapped in epidemic numbers and trafficked into sex slavery for profit. Rarely do such pimps and profiteers bother to keep one girl (or boy) only for themselves.
Civilian pedophiles do that. We think of pedophiles as depraved older men or, increasingly, as men of the cloth, whose prey is an under-age stranger. Once caught, they are registered as sex offenders and law enforcement can, potentially, keep eyes on them.
But what if the pedophiles are fathers and their captive prey are their own children? How will the police ever learn about this? There is no system that monitors children in their own homes. When mothers try to do so, they often lose custody of their children. Pedophiles, including a child's own father, are often charming, docile, and seem "normal."
Given that it is almost impossible to "police" a man's home (which is still his castle), mothers are on the front line in terms of protecting children. There is no one else. But when mothers try to protect their children from physical or sexual abuse they often lose custody of them.

This past weekend I delivered a keynote speech at the tenth annual Battered Mothers Custody Conference. This conference was founded by Dr. Maureen ("Mo") Hannah and has functioned as a life line for battered and "protective" mothers. The program included keynote speeches by Terry O'Neill, NOW's national President and Toby Kleinman, prominent family law attorney and champion for women's rights. More than 15 sessions took place, led by the most dedicated and fearless lawyers, mental health professionals, and mothers. More than 150 people attended this conference. Forty people delivered lectures; 10 of them were custodially challenged mothers.

Some mothers lost custody of their children to their batterers. Many battered mothers lost their children when they alleged that their violent husbands had also been sexually abusing their child. Often such mothers are seen as "crazy," and as "alienating" the child from their perfectly nice father. I first broke this scandal 27 years ago when I published my book Mothers on Trial. The Battle for Children and Custody. There have been some improvements. Documented domestic violence is often factored in a bit more often; where there are assets, judges may award mothers a greater percentage of them; gay parents and mothers with demanding careers do not lose custody as they once did for these reasons.

However, matters have worsened in many areas—so much so, that I added eight chapters to the 25thanniversary edition of this book. Two chapters are titled "Court-Enabled Incest in the 1980s and 1990s," and "Court-Enabled Incest in the Twenty-First Century."
The court system does not want to believe that a well-spoken, charismatic man could really be a savage wife-beater or child abuser. It is easier to believe that his traumatized, sleepless, frightened and rapidly impoverished wife is lying, exaggerating or imagining things. I have interviewed many such mothers, and many more were present at this extraordinary conference which was held in Washington DC at the George Washington University Law School.
The police do not rescue these children. In fact, the courts often award custody to their abusers and severely limit the "crazy' mothers' visitation.

When such mothers finally run away to save their children, they are routinely captured, imprisoned and lose access to their children for a very long time.

One such mother, Holly Collins, was beaten badly for a very long time in the American state of Minnesota. Her children were beaten, too. No one came to their rescue. On the contrary. Eventually, the father, who terrified his children, gained custody of them. The court system nearly destroyed this mother and her children. And so, in 1994, Holly fled the country. She carried her entire legal file with her in her suitcases. In 1996, after an extensive legal review and appeal, Holland granted this American mother political asylum (!) on the grounds that America had not protected her or her children and did not seem likely to ever do so. Garland Waller directed a riveting documentary about Holly, titled No Way Out But One. The film was shown to the conference. According to Dr. Hannah, their reaction was "highly positive."

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, the Battered Mothers Custody Conference and The National Organization of Men Against Sexism presented an award to the "People and Government of the Netherlands and to the extraordinary lawyer who fought for Holly and her children, Els Lucas.
The BMCC mothers asked me amazing questions. "Do we need to launch another world war to keep the children safe in America?" "Where is our Abraham Lincoln on this subject?" "What country should we live in if not here?" The mothers, including a group calling itself the "Mothers of Lost Children" demonstrated outside the White House.

According to the testimonies of these mothers, their children either witnessed their mothers being beaten on a daily basis and/or were also beaten; some children were also sexually abused. These were households of terror, ruled over by a legal husband and father, not by a stranger. Yes, I know, some mothers falsely allege domestic violence; most do not, nor do most mothers allege incest unless a teacher, pediatrician, social worker or other mandated reporter does so first. And why? Because 21st century mothers have all been advised by their lawyers that they risk losing custody if they make such an allegation. Even so, these mothers still lost custody of the children they were trying to protect.

Jennifer Collins, Holly's daughter, has created a website for children who, like her, are living "underground." Both Jennifer, who is working as a para-legal, and Holly, led a workshop at the conference.
The work I began in 1976, when I testified in my first custody case for a mother and when I worked with "protective" mothers in the 1980s,continues. Now, there is a growing movement underway. I salute all those who are part of it.

Related Topics: Motherhood & Custody

THE WASHINGTON POST: Battered Mothers Custody Conference This Weekend Shine Light On Child Custody Abuse

Battered Mothers Custody Conference

Conference shines light on plight of battered mothers seeking custody

Board, Published: May 10


THE BATTLES over child custody that unfold in courtrooms across the United States don’t get much attention. If a celebrity is involved, there might be headlines, but publicity is generally shunned out of the not-unreasonable urge to protect the privacy of children. Unfortunately, though, that has tended to shroud problems in how these critical decisions are made. That’s why a conference focusing attention this week on systemic issues in family court is so important.
The Battered Mothers Custody Conference started Friday at George Washington University Law School and concludes Sunday with a vigil at the White House. It brings together victims of domestic abuse, advocates and experts in an effort to reform a system they say doesn’t do enough to protect children. Too often, said organizers of the event, which is now in its 10th year, custody or access in contested cases where domestic violence has been alleged is given to abusive fathers because of a misguided emphasis on parental rights that discounts or disbelieves the concerns of women who have been battered. Victimized parents, often suffering from trauma caused by the abuse, are bankrupted and punished for fighting for their children.
“Cascading disasters and shattered lives are predictable and inevitable,” said Eileen King, executive director of Child Justice in the District and a speaker at the conference. She pointed to the case of 15-month-old Prince McLeod Rams, allegedly drowned by his father after his mother unsuccessfully tried to block unsupervised visits, and the infamous deaths in 2008 of Amy Castillo’s young children by a father she warned was dangerous.
Mo Hannah, a psychologist at Siena College near Albany, N.Y., who helped start the conference because of her own divorce experience, said the broad-based coalition of people who attend the event collects data on the extent of the problems, provides support and, most important, advocates for better practices in how decisions are made and monitored.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/conference-shines-light-on-plight-of-battered-mothers-seeking-custody/2013/05/10/8a2830fc-b8f1-11e2-92f3-f291801936b8_story.html

A Nation of motherless children?

A Nation of Motherless Children? | Janie McQueen, Author and Divorce Gamesmanship Expert

A Nation of Motherless Children?
http://janiemcqueen.com/a-nation-of-motherless-children/

"In some of the more severely manipulated cases, the tables were turned on mothers who sought to protect their children from abusive fathers; they were punished in family court and by the abusive parent.

Many are limited to a couple hours’ supervised visitation every two weeks. They don’t have the privilege of shaking on the bleachers with the rest of us, who naturally take such excursions for granted. Many times there’s a protective order that would keep them from attending even public events such as this, when all they long to do is see their children in action, and enjoy a game to break up a brutal week of missing their children.

...What kind of man goes to every length and expense possible to deny his children a healthy, some would say critical, portion of motherly love in their lives? Or not even that–what kind of man begrudges his ex any meaningful contact with her own children? Is this not evidence he could be lacking as a father? If not, why? Sorry about that failed relationship, man, but the children from it remain. Lucky you to have a magic wallet to make it all go away.

It’s time to stop treating kids as chattel instead of children."

Janie McQueen's Book on How Family Court Is A Game:
Hanging On By My Fingernails: Surviving the New Divorce Gamesmanship, and How a Scratch Can Land You in Jail

In this daring, groundbreaking book, journalist Janie McQueen unveils the truth behind the "new divorce gamesmanship"--vicious tactics that thrust victims into complex webs of legal tangles that destroy spirits and hobble divorce cases.

These surprisingly common--and legally deadly--ploys can and often lead to criminal charges and trials, lingering records, heartbreaking child custody battles, embarrassing distortion campaigns, and even unemployment as employers increasingly trawl the Internet for background checks.

Bill Windsor – Is he Just That Dumb?? Kansas Secretary of State – Is not happy with Lawless America

Bill, why don't you give my friend Kris Kobach a call??
In fact, I Just did – he is not happy that one of his ‘protected mothers’ is being stalked by the the likes of you.

[As per his request I sent the following fake forms with my name on it - from you to him.]

Kris Kobach - Secretary of State of Kansas

Kris W. Kobach is the Secretary of State of Kansas. He is also currently of counsel with the Immigration Law Reform Institute, the legal arm of the Federation for American Immigration Reform. Safe At Home ACP – Domestic Violence Secretary of State of Kansas since 2011 Republican Party

Bill Windsor and Lawless America --- are really that dumb??? You know the old saying “buy em books and buy em books….?”
So old Bill is up to his usual “cease and desist” rants…. Gonna sue this, that, him, her, other unseen others, civil, criminal, this, that—
So his latest terroristic tactic goes like this…

He grabs a bunch of blank forms… fills them in and uploads them and WE are supposed to believe (since Billy never lies) that he has ….again…. filed suit.

Another news flash for Bill and his lemmings. Blank forms are not to intimidating. Hell get me a case number a court date and a judges signature.

Stupid people are so annoying, especially when they are in ‘melt down.’

• Billy’s rambling post in pdf here
• Claudine Dombrowski fill in the blank form [I am like where did he get THAT address?] 

People like him are why I am so good at being a ghost.

My Actual Address [so when you do really file - like that will ever happen] I will be sure to get it.
Did you think I was lying??? – Oh I guess since you lie – then others must too…

Kansas Secretary of State SAFE AT HOME

Kansas is one of several states that offers an address confidentiality program. Safe at Home (SaH), enacted in 2006, provides a substitute address for victims of domestic violence, sexual assault, trafficking or stalking as well as a free mail forwarding system for all first-class mail.


The program allows qualified participants to use the substitute address (post office box) on all public records instead of the residential address required by many other Kansas laws.
Victims can register to vote, obtain a driver's license, etc., without fear that such public records will put them at risk of being located by their abuser. Safe at Home offers participants an extra layer of protection and can be an important part of an overall safety plan.

After you visit our FAQ and Useful Links page, please contact us about how we may serve you better.

• How SAH Works
• Enrolling
• Voter Registration
• Laws & Regulations

janice levinson

Memories: Past, Present, Future

Leaving The War Zone: A Battered Mothers Memoirs For He Daughter

Chapter 8 Memories, Past, Present, Future

Mother, daughter and granddaughter.

A strong and powerful maternal bond created by God

for mothers and daughters only. 

 

A  Mother Hold’s

Her Daughters Heart Forever

   

 

Nineteen and half years, that’s how long I have lived in hell on earth. I was four months pregnant when I was first hit. Pregnant with my dear daughter at age 30 a pregnancy that I was told I could never get pregnant-- one I would never have, one that proved to be life threatening not only to my daughter but to myself. Then, throw in all the stomach punches…. And as the pregnancy continued the violence only increased. Until Rikki was taken emergency c-section, the Dr’s saying - about my daughter “prepare, she may not live, in fact it highly unlikely”. You did. All legs no brown fat and several weeks in the neonate intensive care unit. You lived.

After your birth, nothing else mattered. I was determined focuses like no other and hence began the next 18 years. My fight to be free of torture, to free my child to believe in a beautiful world to raise her with the goal that there is no limits to what she can dream what she can do and who she is.

The most special and most beautiful person, born out of the ashes of pain and suffering to be a wholesome, loving smart and wise person.

 

I try to write to you. I try. There has been such a ‘block’. Awhile back I threw all the documents of court litigation away. (Most never scanned as it happened before the age of technology.) It was all my life, it was you. It was painful all the pain all the truth all the lies, I disposed of. Literally it filled a semi tractor trailer, representing millions of dollars - that is plural the millions - of the fight for simple justice that never came. The whole – “The truth will always win” - never came. Not in the hell of the judiciary any ways. Please always believe what the heart tells you there is baby an Ultimate Justice, a beautiful Justice and that Justice is eternal.

With putting the legal away (that part of life now over) I am now able to look at my memories before we were separated. It doesn’t hurt like it did. In fact I even smile. It is as it should be.

 

You are 18 now, as of December 12, 2012 -- but still you will be trapped until age 23. That is when my Social Security Disability payments will run out for your dad - as payee to you, my dependent child. At this date the amount is about $800.00 a month. But in order for him to keep it he must keep you, and so you will continue school in a local community college, still living under his control, his transportation his, his, his, his…

One day, you will leave - but only allowed - when he knows without a doubt - that his control remains complete - and that you will never think to attempt to reach out to your mother. But you will think-- and once gone your mind will begin to question (yes I know and unheard of thing - dare to question - but is normal) as no longer will the ‘punishment’ for thinking about your mom be physically there. It will be subconsciously - scary at first, as you have been conditioned like “Pavlov’s dogs” to avert all such thinking. Evan Stark writes about this in Coercive Control.

Do not be afraid baby, but at the same time do not push it. Let it happen as it may, let your defenses block when it is too painful. And for many years this is what will happen.

I too, am going through that. I had to - many years ago pack up all your photos, all the memories and store them in a place that was safe. Safe to not hurt me. Safe to survive, safe to continue the battle, to focus only on the task at hand. When I packed up all the legal documents unknown to me, eventually I was able to look at your photos, and was able to really see past all the red hot pain. I am currently trying to get all this up on line along with all the home videos Granny made, I still cannot watch those, the pain torturous. But slowly – literally as the years pass they are getting there. My goal to have it all up by your graduation. ( I can always view on line via mobile technology from anywhere in the world)

When you turned 18 December 12. 2012 - It was and I really did not expect this - was my freedom. The titanic was no longer chained to my neck; I no longer was gasping holding my head up for each and every breath. It felt good. To the normal person it would be like the child has grown, now let her go and let her spread her wings and fly--- fly high, fly free. Our mantra baby from all those years ago and here it is back again. It’s the beginning of your life and the last that I will be able to even watch you from a distance, like I have watched you grow quietly from the sidelines, just a blurred face, a stranger who was always there at all your events. Me - Your mother.

High School Track will be coming soon next month; I will be at every single track meet. Your last of High school. I plan to stay throughout them all - in years past the physical pain many times had forced me to leave before the end - most meets out of town lasting 8 hours on a cold hard bench. Since my lower back was kicked out of place, the vertebrae not breaking only twisting the pain of sitting standing becomes too much. But this year, I will sit front seat front row at all track meets.

After all, the last time I see the most beautiful woman in the world, my precious, my heart, my every breath - my daughter.

Then in May 2013 - your high school graduation. Again, I will be on the front row. I will not cower nor be intimidated or frightened. With your graduation a set of luggage, a new international cell phone, my 3 T external drive. I hope as well to finish the collage you and I started. It got ruined but will hand clean each and every image you and I placed then use new clean clear Hodge- Podge (the stuff I placed on it turned everything cloudy white L ) Not thinking how important they were – memories- I had mostly blown it off, I know that now they need preserved and finished with love.

When I met you in the parking lot of your school (27 seconds - after so many years of no contact) and gave to you all the stuff you had asked me to keep safe for you from all these years gone by – years before all our contact was ended, (you smiled like you would at a family reunion when meeting an uncle bob who gave you something— someone you may have met once in your life when you were 6) you were polite and with a smile you accepted your gift box….. all your stuff from granny - well the important limited edition stuff, heirlooms.

This is when I realized that you too had absolutely no memory. Of not of just the decades past but even from just a few years ago.

In talking with another mother who had contact w her daughter and even regained custody of her daughter, her daughter too has absolutely no memory of even a few years ago. This mother’s daughter started college out of state, the mother worried that the memories will come and incapacitate her. I thinking of you and even worst, no contact for the better part of the last 10 years of your life. No just hanging out with your mom, talking, laughing, shopping—doing everything and nothing, things that most mothers and daughters have. Each other.

You were denied that. I had not died, so even worst to keep us apart words, hate and shock conditioning were implemented from the time my baby you were taken from your mother at age 6.

It was never that we feared each other—it was the fear of the punishment of seeing each other that we knew would happen. We feared it.

Again Evan Stark’s coercive control – that power of consequence, even when no longer does it exist—well for you now it does, but one day it will not, but the stripping of that autonomy will remain. You can read much about coercive control on the internet. I have met w Evan he is an amazing person. He also touches on the taking of a woman’s child as has happened with us as just one part of the coercive control. Human rights.

He explains where words cannot, it is not the single physical attack, and it is not so simple to just leave. It is a control that has never before been seen in any other crime victim, a control that long holds its victims’ across space and time.

 

The memories will come. One day. This is why I try to write now. So one day you can be validated set free from that pain. The mother above I was talking to - her daughter too. But she has her mom, although it is painful, when she should need to - her mother, she now knows and she will be ok.

My daughter, they have stripped away not only our autonomy but for you, all that is left is just another memory - of your mother. A memory that through the years has been chipped away and replaced with inaccurate and falseness. I can only say baby, that when you begin (and I will hopefully have released all else that holds me down by your graduation, will also mark the end and beginning for me) that I will be able to seriously leave the war zone and seriously write to my own distant memory. You my daughter.

I do not know you - but I do know the strength of the bonds of a mother and daughter. I know this from my own mother and I. We were the most close in the last 20 years, because of you J my momma was there when my heart opened, for the first almost 7 years of your life you were endowed with incredible beyond words, wise, compassion, strength wisdom and a love like no other.

 

I did not understand it then but my mother your granny had said “However you are at age 7 is exactly who you are as an adult” - this is your core platform. She was then preparing me for what she must have already foreseen… that we would not be together that justice would fail.

I miss my mom, I miss her terribly. Each spring I miss her more. As it always takes me to the ‘feel-good’ I had when we went home to Texas - cold in Kansas, swimming pool at granny’s J Home….. That’s where we were and the most peaceful time of my life, the constant laughter of you baby and granny, the amazing invisible but seen and amazingly felt - the strong bonds between you and granny. Two peas in a pod. Two hearts beating as one.

I know that all you had loved has been destroyed and replaced in your memories. I will try to put more up about the two of you—you and Granny. I think that your 1^st know is the fact that if you have ever been told and then viciously dislike or think how evil or dangerous any one from your maternal family is—know that the worst—is actually the best. The more you were taught to fear someone the more that someone is very important and is to you. I would use that as a guide.

Incredible isn’t it? I as an old lady now, a smart one, even a psych nurse, could I have imagined the not only current placement of the years of torture but even the decades later. For you, for myself, for what was your maternal family. All but gone now. Granny, great gramps J he loved you so much! You him lol.

Memories, they are important when the mind is ready. No hurry no worry, just know that I unconditionally love you. When you were born my life changed, once a mother ALWAYS a mother, nothing else matters… everything I had ever done in my life the very full life as when I turned 18 I too was set free… and Baby I lived my life—the world was mine and I experienced it 100x more than the normal person… If I thought about something—I did it. J As for you my daughter - I wish this.

The sky is the limit!! I know that you recall that I used to sky dive… I know that for some reason you thought that was beyond cool. I guess looking back it was J but at the time it was just yet another of the beautiful things I experienced because I thought about it.. Think you want to do that. And do it - I did. You think it - baby girl and then it is yours – do it. Live life it really is a most amazing venture.

 

Then one day (I pray- a very long time away) you will become a mother. J and all that you have done will still be memories and there but as a mother God has connected you to your child and a daughter mother bond is even more profound because we are the creators of life, a magic if you will made into us, mother is humanity, that’s just how God made us and really baby although our experience has been nothing except harrowing, that golden thread is still there and one day we meet again and no words will be needed. Like I and my mother, we just picked up where we were…. (I had stopped talking to my mother ten years prior to your birth—I don’t even know why—some silly stupid-ness that seemed important when I was a bratty kid through the years I had long forgotten why--) But when we did meet, and Rikki it was you my darling, nothing else mattered.

 

My mother was and is my very best friend. The last time I saw her, I was able to see her as not just my friend, your granny but as a mother herself. The wooden statute – (I gave to you in your b-day box) a tree carving --- from the same tree branching into a mother and another branch into a daughter was the last xmas gift she gave me before she died. Instantly I loved it – thinking of you and I—and although my beautiful mother loved her daughter—me--- as I love my daughter –you. She said “You know, I too am a mother who loves her daughter more than anything”. My most treasured of all—but knowing that I needed for you to have this – as with all granny’s heirlooms- it was time to give to you.

 

I will never forget the pain in her face when she gave it to me—not from the painful terminal illness that took her soon after. But of the pain she felt because she was powerless to stop the pain of her daughter. Myself. I boarded the plane to come back to Kansas to as granny said “Fight for my granddaughter”. That was the last time I saw her alive.

It was also the last time you and I -- 2^nd and 3^rd generation had any further contact.

Though out this past 18 years, we were allowed only a few supervised visits -in a year – many years not even that…. This is how you grew up. Perhaps with the paid hours of supervised visits maybe combined a Month? Then again perhaps not even that….. In all your 18 years.

But like granny said, we are bound and it is always there. All through eternity.

 

"Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the oppressed.

Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.

Sometimes we must interfere.”

- Elie Wiesel, Holocaust Survivor

www.AngelFury/org

www.AmericanMothersPoliticalParty.org